30 suddenly feels very old

I've always heard phrases like "time passes so quickly," or "time is slipping by," and I didn't think much of it because I was too busy doing awesome things and having fun. 

Tonight though, rather suddenly, I realized that I understand those phrases-- the past 3 years have rushed by in a way I've never experienced before. The reason, I think, is my mundane existence in the career I'm building that has somehow sucked energy for my vital creative interests and the people I love. What good is life if we spend all of our energy and days working, or thinking about work, with no time for our personal interests?

I'd rather be pulling weeds, growing food, riding bicycles, cuddling babes, laughing, cooking, sewing, and enjoying life than spending 8 hours a day in front of a computer, plus an hour of shit lunch from the cafeteria of my office (a great design if you want people to spend even more time at the computer), plus 3 more hours sitting in a van commuting to/from work. It seemed like a great idea when I moved into this position in May... But the days grow shorter and my personal sense of happiness fades just like the summer sun. Wake up in the dark, sit in the dark all the way to work, and get home in the dark with only a couple of hours to spare before it is time to sleep, wake up, and repeat. 

Alas, the need for money drives all things. Want to have a kid? Work harder, save money, spend nearly an entire adult's salary on childcare so someone else sees your child through their most formative years. Want to live in an urban oasis? Work hard, save money, imagine buying a house but see market prices increase 24% in just 2 short years, effectively pricing you out of the opportunity to buy a house OR have a kid, because suddenly you're spending an entire adult's salary on a two bedroom rental while you dream about the house you never bought and the child you haven't yet been able to afford. Want a vacation? Work harder, save money, and decide whether you think the meager savings you've set aside is better spent on the dream of owning a home, the dream of having a family, or the dream of using your two annual weeks of vacation for a trip... And wondering if you'll recover financially soon enough to do any of the other things-- the supposed American Dream-- that seems so far out of reach. 

Fuck this. Portland sucks. 


  1. So many of my college friends moved to awesome places like Portland and New York and I stayed in the Midwest. I am totally jealous of the culture and attitudes in those cities but on the plus side the cost of living is SO much lower here. So I try to make peace with the fact that I'm not in the thick of it all and feel like I missed out on the bohemian city-living in my 20s thing... but I do have a baby and a house and a work schedule I can stomach. It would be ideal, however, to just magically have tons of money and be able to live with a young family in Portland or Seattle or London. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

  2. In my 20 and 30s I worked non-stop and could only afford to live in group houses. I feel you. It sucks not just in PDX. It sucks lots of places, and I think it's even harder for your generation.

    I love you tho!


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