Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Truth be told, I am far form being a god if my total cleanliness is actually a factor. But, I did put a bit of time and elbow grease into scrubbing out my mom's refrigerator. This is the only productive thing I have done since returning to Utah (one week now).

I am a complete bum. Honestly, I am not transitioning well back into my old life and I'm not sure that I want to revamp it and try to experience it new. I'm lonely without the team, those darn people with whom I spent 24 hours per day (working, cooking, laughing, philosophizing). Sitting on campus and watching groomed students hustle to and from classes, stopping only for a quick conversation or cup of coffee, has reminded me how different this life is. I'm not taking classes. I'm not expanding my mind. I'm not even waking up and doing something good for myself OR the world. I need to do something.

Coming off a year-long high is rough-- is withdrawal from a lifestyle possible? This reminds me of the terrible rough patch I had when I ended a year-long relationship, settled back into my lonely bedroom, and quit smoking to better my health. Sure, in the end all of those things were good for me, but I was a complete zombie for a period of time and I don't want to be a zombie again.

Options exist. I was contacted about one of the jobs I applied for, unfortunately I don't really want to work at a sock factory and I couldn't lie about my ability to stay on long-term. I could volunteer at my little brother's school... but that would take effort and I feel so empty, so very very blah. I could at least sort through all of my old belongings and get rid of 1/2, as downsizing is important to me, but this would mean sorting through memories and memories take time and emotion, two things I'm not ready to give. Instead I am knitting socks and following my friends around like a true creep.

I guess I went to African Dance, and that was fun. I've missed being in dance class. And I suppose I am performing at the Mr. & Ms. International Pageant at USU on Friday night, dancing with a young man from Tanzania. And maybe I did volunteer at Global Village Gifts a couple days ago. Hm. Waking up isn't enough for me, I need to get up and DO something. Well, I did meet with a couple people from the Service Center up at USU and discussed upcoming projects as well as the potential for directing an American Humanics program toward USU, and I got the information about what it takes to become a Service Learning Scholar. Oh, and I did call to try and set up an appointment with an academic advisor to go back to school. Also, I found an apartment. I'm moving in this weekend -- it's only for a month, but it's something, and two amazing woman live there and we can climb out the windows in the kitchen to a ledge with chairs and plant pots. They type on their type writers and sew and have lots of different art and craft projects going and I will be happy to remain jobless until after Christmas if it means I get to sit in my bedroom with my desk next to the windows and spur my own creativity into full force.

Utah is beautiful. My heart was beating furiously as we circled over Salt Lake City. The moonlight was reflecting off the bright white snow of the Wasatch mountain peaks and I remembered that this is what I had missed.

I'm really overwhelmed. I don't know what the next step is, but whatever it is I need to jump in with full-fledged desire and pursue it to the best of my ability.


  1. Your reflections make me ponder, and miss "home" so much as well. The transistion of seasons is something I truly miss from Utah, the weather in California is stagnant oft times, but the vastness of the ocean keeps me feeling acquainted somehow.

    Keep us readers updated.

  2. I am looking foreward to seeing you!
    Give yourself some time and credit. From the sound of it your are doing really great things already!!

  3. I love that you just want to get going and do things. I hope i get to see you soon! You will figure it out and Utah is happy to have you back! Love ya! :)

  4. I love you and miss you and I completely relate, pretty lady.

    What I wouldnt do for a little amanda cuddle time, a cup of tea, and a round of fantasy...

    hoo! hoo!


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