Babies on the brain.

I dreamed a few nights ago about having a baby. This is the story:

I gave birth to a child, but when I held it in my arms I saw that the baby (a boy) had white skin, not black, and I thought the father was a black man I see at my workplace. So I went and found the man I thought to be the father but he was golfing and uninterested in the child. I was very panicked that I did not know who the father was.

So, I gave the child away. I think it was some form of adoption, but in the dream I just kind of gave it to someone, like "here, have this baby." The next thing I remember is trying to get my baby back because I knew I wanted to raise him, but that I couldn't find him anywhere. I searched and searched, and eventually found him at a house that very closely resembled my grandpas. I took the baby out into the carport where we usually feed kittens and he smiled at me and told me how much he loved me. And then I breastfed him.

The end.

Yes, it's not a terribly exciting story, but in the past year or so I've had a few dreams about having babies and they always have a lot of impact on my waking life.

A few months ago I dreamed I had a baby and I went to a restaurant with a friend; upon leaving I forgot the baby in his carrier and when I went back for him I couldn't find him-- he was missing. I spent the rest of the dream searching and crying for him.

In July: "I dreamed I had a baby. The recurring theme? Me being a bad mother. I wasn't feeding the baby enough, changing it's diapers enough, and I couldn't figure out who the dad was. And the baby could walk after one week. I don't want any more dreams about babies."

In June: "I have been having the weirdest, I repeat weirdest, dreams lately. Last night I dreamed I had a baby. It was so much work, and I felt so good. I looked at it and just cried and laughed. It felt real. They laid the baby on my chest, still messy from delivery, and I just cried. I had such a beautiful baby.... that wouldn't suck on my nipple. I was trying so hard to be a good mother and just breast feed my child, and then someone came and took it away, saying it isn't mine. And then my life flashed forward, and I watched my baby grow. It was a slide show of everything I missed because it wasn't mine. Then I realized I was either in jail or a mental institution because there were bars on the windows and the rooms were so empty. I was still in my hospital gown, sweaty from childbirth. And I woke up crying for my baby.

But I don't have a child."

So, I guess my point is that dreaming of babies isn't so unusual for me, but the dreams are always a bit disturbing. Upon waking from this last I dream I actually felt a sense of understanding peace; it was the only one with a positive ending. I had a baby-wanting phase last summer, and I'd forgotten about it for a while but this dream left me with such a strong desire to experience motherhood. When I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt so empty...

Getting married and having babies sounds so appealing... as long as I've got a garden, and the rest of my family.

PS. The galactorrhea hasn't gone away...


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